Tuesday, December 18, 2012

21 things to do before the world ends on the 21st

So the world allegedly ends on Friday. And while you may want to make logical preparations like set up a bunker and call your loved ones, I say there’s no better time to let your freak flag fly and go crazy, Broadway style. Here's a fun to-do list that may or may not land you in jail...


1. Pash a beautiful random in the broad light of day. I’m pretty sure this only works in movies but hey, if they punch you in the face it’s no biggy. You’ll be dead in a couple of days and at least you gave it a red-hot go!
2. Wear your onesie to work and after lunch take a nap under your desk. If anyone questions you tell them, 'I DO WHAT I WANT.'
3. The following day, rock up naked. When colleagues ask where your clothes are simply reply, ‘in the wash.’
4. Walk out in the middle of a business meeting. Throw your papers in the air as you scream, 'SMELL YA LATER, BITCHEZ.' Never return. 
5. Get that tattoo you've always dreamed of, you know the big speech bubble on your cheek that says ‘LOL’.
6. Do you really want your last week on earth to revolve around quinoa, bonsai (I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS), activated almonds and other lame health foods? Rubbish the hippy eating and live off Nutella, white bread, chips and Chomps #TouchMyBody. Carbs ain't gonna matter when you're kaput!
7. Chuck the rule book in the bin and write the first text to that dream boat babe you kissed the other night. Rejection will be the last thing on your mind when the earth is a fiery ball of molten lava, and if they do respond maybe you can go out with a bang(in').
8. Finally leave honest comments under people's selfies, foodstagrams and check ins - YO, YOUR 'SEXY' FACE ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST SMELT A FART AND I DON'T GIVE A TOSS THAT YOU SPENT A SMALL FORTUNE ON A PIECE OF ASPARAGUS AND UNICORN EGGS IT PROBABLY TASTES LIKE VOM. DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO HAVE ONE MEAL WITHOUT INSTAGRAMMING IT? ALSO, I DON'T CARE THAT YOU WENT TO MESSINA, STOP CHECKING IN THERE. HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MUCH RUBBISH THOSE ICE CREAM CUPS CREATE? I WOULD RATHER EAT A HOME BRAND LEMONADE ICY POLE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
9. Walk up to the obnoxious person on public transport who speaks so loudly on their phone the whole bus can hear and throw their mobile out the window. 
10. Sing your favourite Spice Girls' song in a library.
11. Spend your savings on a pet sloth because A) HOW GREAT ARE SLOTHS?! and B) it will be nice and snuggly to hold as the asteroids commeth. 
12. Track down Harry Styles and proceed to seduce him. Taylor Swift, who? 
13.Throw an epic demolition house party in your rented digs. Soz landlord, it was going to get ruined by zombies anyway! 
14. Do the groceries with an exotic parrot on your shoulder, scowl at people when they stare at you. 
15. Attend a fabulous farrrrshion party in a potato sack with rubbish in your hair. When people ask who are you wearing, say 'your face.'
16. Crank the air con, have ten showers, turn on all your taps, THROW YOUR RECYCLING IN THE NORMAL BIN. Fuck yaz climate change. 

17. Have a Threesome. Self-explanatory. Oh wait, let me remind you - THE WORLD IS ENDING. QUICK! GO AND FULFIL ALL YOUR KINKY FANTASIES IMMEDIATELY. 

18. Fill up a blow up pool with aeroplane jelly and swim in it.

19. Shave all your hair and eyebrows off because why the hell not? Haven't you always wondered what you'd look like? And imagine if your sig. other dumps your arse because of your new look, it's a great way to test their character and with less hair on your body to burn, you'll die quicker! Double win. 

20. Buy yourself a Lordship and demand everyone call you Lord Legend. 

21. Finally, GO AND OPEN ALL YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS! RIGHT. NOW. 



2 comments:

  1. Bella, this scares the crap out of me! Stop telling me I'll be dead in two days.
    haha
    Great tips though.

    tahneal xxx

    ReplyDelete

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