Friday, October 5, 2012

How to unlike someone

It's basic human instinct to want what we can't have. When I was 8, all I wanted was a pony. Dad said he'd get me a 3 legged one on the side of the road for a hundred bucks but that's as close as I got. A few years later, I was certain my life would be complete if I had a ginger lop-eared rabbit. Sadly, I never got the rabbit but I was allowed hermit crabs instead. Thanks mum. At 24, I've moved on from fluffy animals and find myself gravitating towards dudes more unobtainable than Rpatz and Gosling combined. And it's not because they look like them in any capacity, but because of big kid shit like great ocean divides I've got more chance of winning the lottery than getting the boy.

We waste a lot of time, energy and bandwidth pining over those we can't have. If our Facebook history could talk, we'd be screwed.  And until a magical crush-be-gone pill is invented I've devised this list that should do the trick:

  • Go backwards in their profile pics and marvel at the horror, you'll be turned off in no time. Adult acne! An unkempt monobrow! An Ed Hardy tee! You can't hold my heart captive any longer buddy - you used to be an ogre with horrific style.
  • Picture them doing the most unattractive thing you can think of. For some people it's your dream boat taking a dump. Or maybe wearing a paisley vest with elephant trunk jeans. Or a better yet, picture them doing a dump wearing a paisley vest and elephant trunk jeans. Brilliant, are you repulsed yet?
  • Kill them off and pretend they are dead. Delete their number, unfriend them on facey and all other social media. Out of sight, out of mind. If you just can't bring yourself to hit delete, unsubscribing so they don't pop up in your feed also works a treat.
  • Implement the not-allowed-to-talk-about-them rule not only for the benefit of yourself but for your mate's long-suffering ears. Yep, rattling on and on about Mr Jerkus-Melerkus is as about as interesting as your super wacky dream you had last night and debating as to whether or not you should get bangs. Once you cut down on the verbal over analysing, your mind will follow suit.
  • In the wise words of relationship guru Zoe Foster - it takes twenty three seconds to reply to a text. Two. Three. So when their phone goes beep and they look at your message with no excitement and put it back in their pocket: they're not worth it. Imagine them doing this every time you text. Ouchy yes, but you deserve the world, not some chump who can't respond to your efforts in a timely, respectful and witty manner. No banter? No play. Save your awesomeness for someone who would slay a thousand unicorns for your heart because you're excellent.
  • And finally, photoshop their head on this and look at it every time you're on knife's edge to making contact.  

What's that? You STILL like them? May I suggest you buy a one way ticket to Uzbekistan and become a yak farmer? That's sure to keep your mind off things.

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