James is 16, he doesn't have a job and most of his pocket money is spent on wining and dining his lady friend, public transport or candies. So instead of buying me something for my birthday he made me this CARDtoon. It's pretty spectacular.
Whether you're single, in a relationship or just par-taking in casual sexy times with that hot bebe you met on Grindr, I say this Valentine's Day, let's flip the collective bird to those Hallmark money makers and do what we want. Why is it all about buying unnecessary, fugs crap? I honestly don't have any room left in my fluffy-I-love-you-teddy-bear cupboard for more fluffy I love you teddies. Can we all just move on from that fad, please?
If like me, you'd rather eat a box of hair than sit in a dim lit restaurant, have undercooked pasta and talk about your feelings then here are seven alternative ways to spend today...
1.Have a crafternoon. Bunting is like, so chic right now. You can finally put all that knowledge you've learnt from Art Attack to good use - gather your gal pals, get some pretty paper, dig up your Derwents and UHU glue and get crafting. If you want to be super organised, you can get a start on your Easter decorations. Find me a person who doesn't love painting eggs and I'll give you my Ginger Spice barbie. Or better yet, I'll actually suck eggs. That's right, EVERYONE loves it.
2.Make a mix tape. If you're the depressed type and all 'FML, I'M SINGLE ON V.DAY', (which by the way, girlfriend/brospeh you are so much better than, but fine, you can be a hot mess just this once) may I suggest you listen to some sewy Llama Del Ray, pop on a bib, drink some wine, eat a wagon of cheese, WHILE you make a mix tape. Mix taping is extremely therapeutic. I love matching songs to people and thinking of fun titles. The best part? You don't even need to have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush. You can make a mix tape for anyone. Yep, even your pet rock.
3.Crochet bomb the street. Do you ever stop and think about how cold street poles must get at night? Does the thought of them catching a chill upset you? Yeah, me too. So why not just knit them jumpers? Problem solved.
4. Prank phone call someone*. I have a confession to make. At almost 24, I still really enjoy a bi-yearly prank. Truth be told, for a few Christmases running an unnamed sibling and myself used to call an unnamed ex and put on a Southern American accent and claim to be Naughty Santa. The script ran like this, "Hey this is Naughty Santa. People call me a ho, ho, ho. I think I left my panties in your chimney." It was genuinely the highlight of Christmas. So dream up a minxy character, go nuts with a foreign accent and dial away. (*NB: preferably someone with a sense of humour who will banter back with you).
5. Do the crazy-cat-lady-no-arm dance. Go to a weave technician, get your hair did then hit daclurbs with your sexy new 'do. Once at daclurb your mission, should you choose to accept, is to dance like a crazy cat lady but with no arms. I repeat, NO ARM MOVEMENTS ALLOWED. If you have access to cats, even better. Make sure you go with a chum and the first one to get a party pash wins. Keep in mind how unattractive you'll look, so if you find your lips are still un-kissed two hours into the night, you can also win if a punter merely speaks to you.
6. Carve a pumpkin and leave it on a stranger's door step. Why should pumpkins be reserved just for Halloween? Who the hell made that rule? Fuck that. Wouldn't it make your Valentine's if you opened the door and found a pumpkin staring up at you? Go on, do a good deed and make someone's day.
7. Man the fuck up. Finally, may I make a serious suggestion? I think it's time we used February fourteenth to be productive and just man the fuck up. Tell that dishy specimen you've 'kinda been seeing' (eww, I am so over that term) for a few months that you have a monumental crush on them and you'd like to give this a proper go. Hands up if you're over not telling people you like them? What's the deal with being too afraid to admit something you both know. How suckey are half-relationships (or what I like to call, being stuck in Siberia) because you're both too wimpy to say three measly words: I. Like. You. There, I said it! And the world didn't end! There's no refund on time people so chop, chop! If you're too scared to do it IRL do what us Gen Yers do best - jump on your iPhone and Instagram that shit. If you can't think of anything, fear not, here's something I prepared earlier...