Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Please Don't...

  • Please don't put an X at the end of your emails when we've never met IRL. 
  • Please don't say 'we have to do lunch' when we both know it will never happen. 
  • Please don't think this means something. Let's both be honest, this is a pash and dash. Nothing more, nothing less. 
  • Please don't be the creator of your own fan page. People will laugh at you. A lot.
  • Please don't assume something has been stolen the second you can't find it. Why would anyone want to pilfer your pickle sandwich anyway? Oh look at that! It's hiding behind the milk, silly you chucking a tantrum.
  • Please don't tell me the extended, thirty minute version of how you first met your boyfriend in da club and then proceed to show me photos on your iPhone of him sleeping, eating and other mundane activities. Unless you want to look at my stamp collection? Because that's just as interesting. 
  • Please don't be a know it all. It makes people want to stab you in the eye a little.
  • Please don't make small talk about the weather. I'd prefer to catch this lift in silence.
  • Please don't put vile pictures on your wall of a girl's back-dimples and write 'cumtrays'. People like you warrant the need for a 'sexist pig' button on Facebook.
  • Please don't whinge about your sub-par tofu salad and be all 'this tastes like anus.' Well no shit, it's tofu. All I have to say is - MEANWHILE, IN AFRICA. Also, maybe you should just order a proper lunch with like, some real food in it.
  • Please don't over share in your status updates. I'd rather not know about your sore, leaky nipples. 
  • Please don't look my outfit up and down. Yeah, I'm wearing a tutu. What of it mate? 
  • Please don't wolf whistle at women walking down the street. The last time I checked, no one has ever picked up from this vulgar technique. WARNING: if you ever toot me I will stop, stare you in the eye, pick my nose while pulling the ugliest face I can conjure up. It will freak the shit out of you and you'll wish you could delete my hideous face from your mind but the image of that freaky girl will forever singe your brain and give you nightmares.
  • Please don't violently make out with me then say, 'I think I might be gay'. 
  • Please don't check me in. Anywhere. Not even if we're on a double date with Ryan Gosling and James Franco at the local Italian pizza parlour.

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