Friday, July 30, 2010


Definition: The overwhelming feeling of sadness one experiences after having an epic holiday. The harsh reminder that reality does indeed blow. A strong yearning to relive the amazing times from your trip. This condition is definitely not helped by the shitty Sydney weather, or being greeted with a never ending pile of bills. Nothing says welcome home like a lovely letter from the Government, reminding you of your 13 grand HECS debt.

Thankfully, this depression is only temporary. It doesn't take long to shake and can be remedied with friends, family, fun nights out or listening to happy tunes, such as this one.

Still none of this quite has the same charm, If only we could play with friends and family while listening to happy tunes in Europe!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Things I've Learnt While Travelling, The Sequel:

In keeping with tradition, here are the things I've learnt while travelling:

  • Don't invest in a bright pink travel pillow. Darker shades are preferable, as pink will show up every patch of your dribble and consequently rub off on your face.
  • Always pack Lucas' Paw Paw ointment, it is a universal curative. You can literally use it on anything from bed bugs to sunburn.
  • The best eye candy in the entire world is in Notting Hill.
  • Seedy airport baguettes never get better. They always cost a fortune and look like they've been sitting there for 8 hours but when it's your only option, you have to succumb.
  • Flippy cup is a great drinking game that involves a high level of coordination and a lot of alcohol. This serves as a very entertaining combo.
  • Don't fall asleep while sun baking and listening to your ipod. You will get a white outline of your earphones on your neck and chest that refuses to fade. I still have it!
  • Being on holiday let's you do things you usually wouldn't. When you act out of character you can simply blame this on "Holiday Bella", your cheeky altar ego.
  • Avoid large tour groups, such as Contiki, or those who wear fluro pink team tshirts that mis-spell the word tour as "toyr" and listen to "ride with me" by Nelly and laugh at gang rape jokes. One word: vile.
  • Make sure you travel with good friends who will carry you home, get you in your jammies and tuck you into bed when you've drunk too much (this state is also known as "El Pimpy"). Make sure they film you in this state so they can remind you what a joke you are. This footage will also be useful ammo if you ever decide to become a politician.
  • Being nice gets you nowhere, stand up to filthy line pusheriners or else you will miss your flight.
  • There is no better way to be woken up than with a hot cup of delicious, English breakfast tea. Thank you to my adopted English family for spoiling me with this treat every morning! You made mornings more bearable!
  • A trip to Zara/ H&M/ Topshop and a yummy meal always boosts team morale.
  • There are three types of boys in Mykonos: gay, bogan or taken.
  • Be careful in Mykonos as your gaydar will not work, assuming everyone is gay usually backfires.
  • A sure fire way to distinguish if a cute boy in Mykonos is straight or gay is with the stock standard pick-up line, "Are you here with your boyfriend?"
  • Don't order a "vanilla milkshake" in Malaga, unless you like raw eggs and custard blended together.
  • Don't apply roll on deodorant on the plane, ala Ingrid. It will only ejaculate all over you and the poor person in front of you due to the altitude. But at least you both smell nice.
  • Don't backpack wearing a dress, unless you want to flash the whole world your knickers.
  • Don't backpack with sunburnt shoulders. Ouch.
  • Every time you have to re-pack your backpack (which is about every second day) it somehow magically expands and gets bigger.
  • A plat and a hat solves every bad hair day.
  • Travelling with 2 girls, you soon learn that just wearing underwear in your room becomes the stock standard attire, especially in summer.
  • Discussing bowel movements and other tasteless info with your travel buddies becomes normal.
  • Living off gelato and pizza is completely acceptable if you're in Italy.
  • Canadians always end up being the best people you meet, and the best people to pronounce the word ANTI-biotics. Endless entertainment!
  • Supermarket wine in a must have for all pre drink sessions. And pistachios. Lots and lots of pistachios.
  • Don't bother trying to explain the concept of skinny leg jeans to foreigners, they will think you're mad. To counter act their disgust, you can make up a song teasing their style. Our jingle "you are wearing elephant trunks!" became very useful.
  • European beaches, especially Barcelona, are every man's fantasy. There are women sun baking topless as far as the eye can see. It's only right you should join in the fun and have a go.
  • Saying things in a foreign accent doesn't help people understand you. This was a bad habit I picked up and couldn't shake.
  • You're never too old to do silly poses in front of the Eiffel Tower.
  • You should have at least 3 types of pastries per day when in Paris. A chocolate eclair for breakfast is a great start.
  • The best way to enjoy Amsterdam is on an amazing house boat, with a very hospitable cousin who kindly shouts you a later flight to London so you can stay for the World Cup finals.
  • Europe has a big culture of old ladies just hanging out on their balconies.
  • The tube is like playing a board game, who knew public transport could be so fun? But they really need to invest in some serious air con.
  • 24 hours in a city never does it justice. You fall in love with a place and then you have to leave her the next day, it's a brutal, whirlwind romance that leaves you wanting more.
  • A sign of a good trip is a Euro belly, aka Euro baby. If you don't come home with an impressive paunch you haven't done it properly.
  • Having a date with a gorgeous boy, underneath the Eiffel Tower is as romantic as it sounds.
  • Topshop is what I envisage heaven to be. Make sure you have a big breakfast before you conquer the beast, or you may go into Topshop Shock. It's very much like running a marathon.
  • Topshop Petite is the best invention since sliced bread. Finally a place that caters for people like me!
  • You will become an expert sleeper, sleeping on any available surface. From airport floors, Maccas couches, resting your head on fold out tray tables or sleeping upright in a chair.
  • Travelling makes you your best self, you are never happier than when you're travelling.
  • 6am starts, two buses, a train and a plane, all in the one day are always worth what's waiting on the other side. Those horrendous transit days when you're hung over and on zero sleep never seem so bad once you arrive in a spectacular city and have the time of your life.
Star jump if you love Paris! Myself and Penny, July 2010. 

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Slow Day in the Newsroom?

You gotta be careful of those killer seagulls*. I spotted this headline outside a Brighton newsagent last week, hilarious -

* To be fair, the seagulls in Brighton are mc-massive. They are like seagulls on steroids. I sincerely hope the student made a speedy recovery.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Why I Love London:

In the one street there will be a Turkish deli, a Polish bakery and an Indian restaurant. Diversity never tasted so good.

Words That Make Me Melt

Say any of the following to me, in an English accent and I'll probably want to marry you.

- Bollocks
- Hi-ya
- Sod it
- Are you mental?
- Just a wee bit
- Ya right, yeah?
- You're well fit
- Crisps
- Not bothered

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