Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Ranga Bashing: Please Stop It

A polarising new internet campaign funded by the Victorian Government which aims to discourage teenagers driving with mobile phones, is causing quite a stir. The most controversial ad says everytime you drive with your mobile, "gingas get fresh with other gingas," cue two red heads in bed with each other.

Since when were red heads a lesser 'race' that shouldn't have sex with each other? IT'S JUST A FUCKING HAIR COLOUR. I am genuinely jealous of all the gorgeous shades of red out there. I would kill to have red hair and cringe when
derogatory jokes are made about it.

Now this campaign has been launched, all of a sudden people are acting shocked and offended. They are jumping on the "let's not pay out red heads" bandwagon. But let me assure you, I am not one of those pretenders. No siree. My family and friends can back me up on this one. My love affair with red hair stems back to childhood when I wanted to be just like Ariel the Little Mermaid (quite possibly The Hottest Red Head of all Time). I always get furious whenever someone rips red heads and I had a massive crush on one of the most beautiful people (inside and out) I've ever met in my life. Who happens to have a lovely mop of yummy red hair.


So beautiful red heads, I say screw those hairist (racist: but towards red heads) bastards, embrace your amazing locks and please make lots and lots of babies (preferably with me).

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Quote of the Week

Sam De Brito, Transcending our Trivial Pursuits in S Magazine:

"What does it mean for our race when more people can tell you the names of David Beckham's children than know their own blood type?"

I am guilty as charged - Brooklyn, Cruz, Romeo and no freaking clue what my blood type is. Oh dear God. I think I need to take a page out of Sam's book and try not to constantly feed my brain junk.

Sam continues, "what we need is one of those macrobiotic, organic cafes for our brains; perhaps even a chain of them, so we can leaven the fats and sugars of mass media with the nuts and grains of true wisdom."

Saturday, March 27, 2010

A Treat For Your Ears

This song gives me goose bumps. Big Jet Plane, by Angus and Julia Stone. Could there be a better looking pair of siblings?



Photo from Samuel Rich

Saturdays are for -

Staying in your pyjamas all day and listening to the radio while writing on your poor little blog that's been neglected. Sorry Bloggie please forgive Mama - it's been a busy week.
Bacon and eggs.


Slowly sipping your coffee and reading the paper cover to cover.


Planning your trip to Europe.


Mi Goreng noodles for lunch at 3.30pm, MSG never tasted so good.

Moral Dilemma

Am I going to cheat on my gorgeous, sweet, hilarious hairdresser with a box of packet dye? Now that my hair is so low maitanence I am tempted to use the super cheap option and become a Box Brunette.

I just don't know what to do. I've been seeing my hairdresser, exclusively, for a few years now. Before her, I used to go from salon to salon. Trying to find someone who could make my hair feel special. I almost had given up, but then I found Umi. People say it takes a long time to find The One, so should I risk everything we have just to save some money?

I once cheated on my coffee guy and felt terrible. I only really bought his coffee because he was nice to chat to but it tasted like crap and then I found a cheaper, yummier option around the corner. I would have to walk past him on my way to work. I tried to look inconspicuous as I hid the coffee under my jumper. I know, I am going straight to Hell.
I love my hairdresser. We get on really well, what we have is special. But I just don't know if she could ever forgive me if I replaced her with a box.

Telepathic Friends

When you've known someone for a long time, or see them everyday it's inevitable your minds will be in sync.

You might message a friend asking a question and at the exact same time they text you with the answer.

You can pick up the phone to call them, only to find they ring you before you've dialed their number.

Or you might meet up with a friend, like I did last night, and pretty much be dressed in the same outfit.
Georgia and I both wore stripey dresses, with cut out holes on the upper back, the same shoes and a similar kind of hair style.


The bartenders at the Lord Roberts thought they were oh so clever pointing out that we were matching. "We didn't do it on purpose! We swear!"


It was a few hours before we were to meet up with the rest of the group, "I can't wait for the others to come so they can dilute our appearance," said Georgia.


So Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum sipped their drinks in the corner hoping no one else would tease them.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Lamebook

Why do people think it's funny to hijack their friend's Facebook accounts and write lame status updates? All they revolve around are sex, toilets and being gay.

Is that how one dimensional and homophobic the general population is? Surely we are more complex and accepting beings?

COME ON PEOPLE, you can do better than John Citizen "likes it in the bum", or Billy Bob "just did the biggest grog bog." Please be creative and at least try to make it sound semi-believable. Or maybe, just maybe, realise there are plenty more ways to be funny than relying on toilet humour and degradation.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Would You Like Some Airbrushing With Your Self-Esteem?

I’m all for the self. And I'm all for esteem. But I couldn't help getting the shits today when I stumbled across this photo of Kelly Osbourne. It's for a new self-esteem campaign in the UK.

KELLY IS THAT YOU? I'm sorry, I could barely recognise you through all that airbrushing. Yes, she looks fab. But she has been airbrushed to the bullshit, lost half her body weight and has teamed up with the fake tan company St. Tropez for this twisted campaign. Why on earth would you promote self-esteem with a company that feeds off the insecurities women?


Unhappy with your appearance? Here, smear this poop smelling gunk all over yourself. And trust me people, it bloody well works. I know I speak for a lot of women by admitting I somehow feel prettier when I'm smothered in poop-smelling gunk. It may wreak, but fake tan sure does make you look better (in chick's eyes anyway. I know a lot of men who would beg to differ, especially when they wake up and their pristine white sheets are stained orange. How romantic). It's stupid and shallow I know but seriously, these days everyone has a cheeky bottle tucked away in their bathroom. And if they don't DIY fake tan, then they just get sprays. Yes, this is all better than getting skin cancer but being airbrushed to the point of looking like a Barbie + St. Tropez = bad coupling for a self-esteem ad! Oh the hypocrisy, from Kelly and me! Here's my idea of what a REAL image for self-esteem looks like. I've always adored this notorious cover of Beth Ditto for Love Magazine and I hope you do too. Now, if only we could all be as comfortable in our own skin, whatever shape and shade that may be, as Miss Ditto.
(Photos courtesy of Splash News Online & The Imagist )

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Quote(s) of the Week:

I couldn't decide on just one so here are three little tid-bits that made me chuckle -

Overheard yesterday at the races:
WANNABE CELEB #1: Hey man, nice nail polish.

WANNABE CELEB #2:
Thanks dude, you gotta do what you gotta do to get noticed.

Excerpt from Is Romance Dead? By Dave Jory in 3D World "I've never thought romance and technology melded well together, so when I met my partner I decided to romance her the old fashioned way by writing her a hand written letter, because no one writes anymore. So I wrote a beautiful letter, I poured my heart out. And when it was finished I scanned it and I emailed it to her as an attachment. And she was very moved by that I think. According to her twitter update."

Excerpt from a review on Future Music Festival, by Andrew Wowk in 3D World "As Danny Glover would say in Lethal Weapon: "I'm getting too old for this shit." The youthful naivety that once made huge food and drink lines, patchy sound quality on certain stages, on-site staff that seem to know nothing less about the festival than other patrons, and a disgustingly large number of people who seem to have missed out on the manners and commonsense gene seem like nothing more than minor nuisances has all but gone. Leaving nothing more than an empty shell of a person who goes to major festivals with the vain hope that 'this time it will be different'.... Musically, it was hard to fault the day, it's just all the heartbreak that comes with major festivals is getting harder to tolerate as this reviewer gets older. More sideshows please!"

A Treat For Your Ears

I have been trying to track down this song for ages. I've heard it a million times on the Js and it was love at first listen. I've been searching 'Joan of Arc' but it turns out it's actually Jona Vark - sneaky buggers.

Enjoy the ear candy -
Jona Vark by the super cute boys from Gypsy & The Cat. You can also check out their profile on the Triple J Unearthed website here and more of their lovely beats on their myspace page.

Photo courtesy of Gypsy and the Cat's Myspace page

Friday, March 19, 2010

Anyone Need An Oven?

I couldn't have asked for a better day, so here it is played out through my text messages and emails -

TEXT MESSAGE FROM ME TO SHAN DOG: Damn, I don't even look brown. I should have gotten a darker spray tan. How's yours? 1 more sleep till races with the Cleo bachelors!

SHANNON: Hey BABE, my tan looks so etch. LOL. Want to go to Gloria Jeans for coffee before work?

ME: Haha classic! Well at least you don't look albino like me. Sorry, so poor I'm actually in the minus. I might be a goody goody and head straight to the office, I'll see you in there. I have to stop buying stupid bits and pieces (with the exception of all race related products for Saturday). Next week's pay will be rationed out better.
****
EMAIL TO SHAN DOG: Ah so happy! I Just spoke my boss and she said of course I can go to Europe for the full five and a half weeks! What a legend! Now if only I had some money saved!
***
TEXT MESSAGE TO INGRID AND PENNY: I CAN COME TO EUROPE FOR THE WHOLE TIME!
***
TEXT FROM INGRID: Awwwweeeeeesoooome! That is amazing! I am so excited!
***
TEXT FROM PENNY: WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! That's great news Bella!
***
EMAIL FROM SUNDAY LIFE MAGAZINE: Hi Annabelle, I hope you are well!

I just wanted to congratulate you, and let you know that the letter you submitted to Sunday Life was selected as the Letter of the Month for February. Congratulations! You have won an LG Freestanding oven, with a 90cm dual-fuel cooker with twin-fan convection, valued at $2999.

Sorry to contact you via email, but it was the only contact we have for you. Please can you give me a call on xxx or email me back and we can work out delivery of your prize! Congratulations again!
***
TEXT TO FAMILY: My letter won letter of the month! I just won a 3 grand oven!!
***
TEXT FROM PAPA BEAR: Unbelievable! You can put it in your bedroom! Well done.
***
EMAIL FROM COUSIN JONO: Hey Bell, well done! Honestly an oven is so boring but in a few years you'll want it. You can always sell it and get the cash.
***
EMAIL TO JONO: Haha I know how funny! Definitely going to sell it and put the moola towards Europe! I'm just so stoked they picked my letter!
***
TEXT FROM SISTER: Oh the feminist irony. Thanks for your article, now here is an oven. Get back in the kitchen and shut up.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Words That Make Me Want to Spew:

- Being called babe/ honey / sweetie, especially by ditsy shop assistants who are younger than me.


- 'Etch' ( the ugly cousin of 'sketchy', used to describe something dodgy, ie. ohh dude that's so etch) VOMIT, speak with REAL words please.


- 'Eck', instead of check ie. eck this dictionary out.


- When my best friend Faen mis-spells her beautiful name 'FaWn' just so dummies know how to pronounce it.
- 'Chat' (slang for shit) don't even get me started. This word is so foul it should be illegal. It's like razor blades to the ear.


-'LOL' used in any context makes my skin crawl, but when used in REAL LIFE as a substitute for actual laughter I could cry*. I have noticed more text talk polluting the vernacular and it breaks my heart.


* With the exception of LOL CATZ, those guys do bad engil good.

Want a Guaranteed Way to Start Your Day Smiling? Wake Up With These Boys -

Sorry Dools, what we had was great. Amazing. Fireworks. But it's time to move on. I just don't know you anymore, you're hanging out with the wrong crowd. That Merrick and Rikki Lee chick are bad news and it doesn't feel right when you back announce a Rhianna song. I hope you'll understand one day, but I've met someone else.


Actually, I've met two guys. Tom and Alex. And we are in love.


In all seriousness, these two are brilliant and because I am a super-dork fan I actually pod cast their breakfast show so I don't miss a thing. Tonight on the train ride home while listening to Alex's dad, Ian Dyson, review Angus and Julia Stone's new album I was laughing so much the man next to me nudged me in intrigue-


HIM: What are you giggling at?


ME: Tom and Alex on Triple J Breakfast. They get their dad's to review albums. Do you listen?


HIM: No but it must be pretty funny, so I will now.


Tom and Alex are going to be the next Hamish and Andy. At only 20 and 21 they are already hosting a national radio show, and doing a bloody good job of it. Damn over achievers. But they better be careful, I reckon their dad's are going to get a massive fan base. For a taste of their hilarity check this out, it features Alex's dad doing a rap -
Photo courtesy of Triple J website

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Come Out, Come Out, Where Ever You Are!

Just a little note to say thanks to all you lovely readers (and I know you exist because my traffic statistics tell me so!) Don't worry I have no idea who you are, I can only see how many hits a day my page gets. But I wish I knew who you were so I could bake you some cookies to say thanks!

So dear readers, I want you to get more involved! Become a Lowbrow Hoo-Ha follower, comment to your heart's content, tell me when you like something, tell me when you don't, tell me if you have an idea. Please don't be shy, it's the Interweb remember - you can be who ever you want!

Thanks so much for popping by and I can't tell you how happy I get when people say they read my blog. I get even more exited when people leave comments! Please accept this virtual cookie as a token of my appreciation. For those who do get more involved, expect some real life treats* coming your way.

*Treats may not actually exist.

Text Roulette, My New Favourite Game

A few weeks ago my sister's friends introduced me to a game called Text Roulette (aka social suicide). As we nibbled on our dumplings and vegetable bouquets (we ordered these as a joke but they ended up being delicious) at a Polish restaurant in Glebe the game was explained -

Step 1: Close your eyes and scroll through the address book in your phone.

Step 2: Whatever contact you land on you MUST send them a text message (ok, so this rule is not actually life or death and obviously there are the odd exceptions you can weasel your way out of ie. one person landed on their ex-boyfriend's sister, we let her scroll through again). Most of us landed on awkward acquaintances we weren't friends with and hadn't seen in
years.

Step 3: As a group, help one another write the text message. Depending on how much wine you have consumed you can be as creepy as you like, but most people opt for the safe 'how are you going' style message. If you're really daring you can even chuck in a 'we must catch up soon!'

Step 4: Send the message and wait for a reply.

Step 5: Cry with laughter when people actually do reply.

Quote of The Week

'Spend your mental energy on people who think you are terrific, not people who dislike you.'

Richard Glover, Spectrum, 13.3.10

Friday, March 12, 2010

I'm an Artist, Man

Don't you reckon these days everyone is a DJ? Or a budding photographer, or an artist of some sort?

And look, I'm not dissing their skills. I'm sure 99% of them are genuinely talented. But I find it quite hilarious how many professional cameras you see dangling around people's necks.

All you need is a laptop to mix your sweet beats, some cheap decks off Ebay to pump out your home made tunes and a little bit of dosh to buy your whiz bang camera and black rimmed glasses. Now even your Simple Simon can be a pensive, alternative type.

Just add skinny leg jeans (maybe even a mohawk if you're feeling totally wacky) and a satchel to garnish. And voila, instant personality!

Sandwich Politics

ME: Do you want seedy mustard or hot English mustard on your toasty?

YOUNGER BROTHER: Ewww, definitely seedy. English mustard doesn't even have a taste, it just hurts. Its flavour is pain.



Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Thank You Chica-Bootie

I wore a $35 dress to work today from a little shop in Town Hall station called Chica-Bootie and was inundated with compliments. And before you think my ego is about to burst, it was nothing to do with ME. The compliments were directed at THE SUPER CUTE DRESS WHICH WAS ONLY THIRTY FIVE BUCKER! He's feminine and has puffy shoulder pads and he's just delicious without being too naughty.


He's the perfect Little Black Dress. 

Best $35 I've ever spent.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Why You Should Always Have Your Morning Coffee:

ME (to a very important person at work this morning): Hi, here are the signs that need forming. Whoops, I mean forms that need signing.
***
An Anonymous family member admitted they almost put toothpaste on their hairbrush today.
***
Another anonymous family member and also a motoring enthusiast, accidentally put unleaded fuel into his wife's diesel car yesterday.
***
The lesson? Even lawyers, doctors and brunettes make silly, space cadet mistakes.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Is Lisztomania a Real Word?

The Phoenix concert was orgasmic. Sweaty. Shameless. Fun. I made my own words up to the lyrics I didn't know and sung my out heart out when I did. Phoenix, you messed with my emotions - I thought you had left me hanging in the dark. But the lights came back on, and you made sweet, sweet love to my ears. What an encore. 1901. If I Ever Feel Better. I crossed my fingers, and you gave me my $83 worth.

Thanks to Wiki for solving all of life's big mysteries: 'Lisztomania is a 1975 film by Ken Russell, drawn from a biography of Franz Liszt . Depicting the flamboyant Liszt as the first classical pop star, Lisztomania features contemporary rock star Rodger Daltrey (of The Who) as Franz Liszt. The term "Lisztomania" was coined by the German romantic literary figure Heinrich Heine to describe the massive public response to Liszt's virtuosic piano performances. At these performances, there were allegedly screaming women, and the audience was sometimes limited to standing room only. French alternative rock band Phoenix released a song of the same name on their 2009 album entitled "Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix".'

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Apparently, I Should Have Gone Brunette Ages Ago...

Sometimes, karma can be a bitch. Sometimes, the Karma Chameleon can be such a nasty whore you want to grab her scaly neck and strangle her to death.

But sometimes, karma can be your best friend. Sometimes, you want to take karma out on a lovely dinner date just to say thanks.

Last weekend I finally decided to take the plunge and go brunette. The old cliche is that drastically changing your hair is inextricably linked with the demise of a relationship. Changing your hair means you're a new woman, a new you, a fresh start. Bla bla, wank wank. Cue all that self-empowering bullshit. For me, I'm just sick of constant routes, boring old blonde and paying $250 every time I go to the hairdressers. I'm saving my precious pennies for my impending trip to Europe it's time to get some serious save-orexia (the saving disease) going on. As I'm walking out of the hairdressers with a spring in my step, excited by my new cost-effective colour, who is the first person I see?

The ex boyfriend.

I'm not kidding, you can't make this stuff up. We pretty much live in the same suburb and haven't crossed paths in almost a year and of all the times we bump into one another it's now! I always envisioned The Inevitable Bump-In would happen when I was no doubt running to Coles in my jammies, looking shit-house with no make-up on.

But the most bizarre thing? He apparently didn't recognise me. He didn't even speak.

ME: Hi guys how are you?

HIS FRIEND: (Awkwardly) Hi, good thanks and you?

ME: Pretty good thanks....

MASSIVE AWKWARD SILENCE ENSUES, I am wondering why he can't even string a sentence together and say hello....

ME: Well, I'll let you get back to your little coffee.

A few days later he texts me explaining he didn't mean to be rude but he literally didn't recognise me and he had to ask his friend who that girl was. I'm sorry, it's the girl you had a relationship with for two years, remember her? I'm not convinced. How come his friend could recognise me but he didn't? He also added in the text I should have 'gone brunette ages ago.' Gotta love a backhanded compliment.


Anyway, it looks like I'll be taking the Karma Chameleon out this weekend to say thanks. I hope she likes Thai food.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Jerk Watch 2010

Welcome to my new post "Jerk Watch" where I chronicle all the male mishaps I'll be having this year.

I'd like to kick off this session with a very entertaining incident. You may remember my open letter to the male race where I recalled meeting a pretty young chap who was quite an eager beaver, but it turned out he had a girlfriend (which FACEBOOK, not him, told me). Well, Mr Invisible Girlfriend has been messaging me on the odd Friday / Saturday night seeing if I'm out and about (please note; I would never meet up with him and do not condone cheating I have only kissed him once and HE SAID HE WAS SINGLE AND INTERESTED IN ME. His words, not mine). Mr Invisible Girlfriend also Facebooked me last night trying to squeeze some information out of me. I'd had enough, so I decided to get a little creative with my response.

HIM: Miss Bella Bella You going Phoenix tonight? I'm going tomorrrrrrow. Hope u have fun let me know tomoz what time they and miami horrors set start that would be amazing xx

ME: Miami horror is on at sleeze-o-clock and Phoenix is on at don't you have a girlfriend?

Unfortunately he wasn't in the mood to be creative back.

HIM: I was just asking a question fuck.

If anyone out there is thinking 'give the guy a break, how do you know he is in a serious relationship?' Well, he posted a photo OF HIS MODEL GIRLFRIEND on Facebook in a handbag ad and wrote 'my wife'. Also, for anyone thinking 'how do you know it's his girlfriend in that ad and not some random?' Well, there are plenty of photos of this beautiful girl and him on his page.

I want to know why you'd bother with a midget when you have a leggy model to marry?
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