Monday, November 30, 2009

Damn You Interwebs, You're Sucking Away My Soul!

As I waste my life flicking through yet another random's Facebook photo album (it's a dirty habit I know many of us share) I stumble across this photo.... It was taken at Stereosonic, the first festival to try out the controversial "No Shirts Off Policy". When I heard about it I initially thought awesome, how funny, take that exhibitionists and steroid junkies! But then really, what does it achieve? Ed Coper from Getup! summed it up perfectly on Hack's The Shake Up, "A dickhead at a festival is a dickhead at a festival. Shirt on, or shirt off."

Here we have two blokes happy to show case their bulging biceps. I'm sure they worked extra hard at the gym in the lead up to the festival and were devastated about the new rule. This is just one of many photos in which they make no effort to hide their flexing. I wish I could show you the expressions on their faces. Let's just say it's very clear they are besotted with their arms and in the comments the dudes even go so far as to commend one another on their brilliant muscles.

A few months ago this whole muscle madness shat me so much I tweeted "I'm so sick of shameless, shirtless flexing in profile pictures. Give me brains over body any day!"

Now look, of course I'm not innocent either. I'll be the first to admit I'm a poser (a confession I'm not proud of, why can't it be something more like "I'm addicted to giving all my income to charity." Shame on me). As the old
adage goes 'it takes one to know one' so I am allowed to poke fun at the mystery Bicep Boys. Let's face it, we've all been guilty of the sneaky self-take, the cheeky snake mouth pout, the cropping out of your friend to make it a solo-shot profile picture, the propped arm on the hip to make it look skinnier and secretly deleting a photo from a friend's camera when we think we look shit.

I blame the popularity of the digital camera and the medium of Facebook to promote our pics for making us so vain and posey. It's a bit sickening when you stop and think about it. And why do we need 678 photos of ourselves on Facebook anyway? Oh, whoops! That's right, so creeps like me can look through them when we're bored.

Gone are the candid moments of true spontaneity that were once captured in the heat of the moment with the good old disposable. Now it seems all we do is monotonously pose and pose and pose until we are happy with what we look like.

I'd really love to kick all these filthy habits the Interweb has inflicted upon me. I know there are rehab clinics in China for gaming addicted kids. I think it’s about time they set one up for vain twats like myself and The Bicep Boys.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Kids Today

My brother James, of "Don't Drink Tomato Juice" fame, regularly cracks me up. At only 14 I think he would make a very good stand up comedian.

The other day he was telling me, "There is this girl in my class, I just can't stand her. She asked our daggy 40 year old teacher if he knew who David Guetta was. She thinks she is sooo cool but she is just super mainstream!"

I wish I knew what super mainstream meant when I was 14. I was probably too busy listening to my Christina Aguilera and Bardot CDs.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Eggbert and Beatrice, Has a Much Nicer Ring to it Don’t You Think?

In light of the recent Twilight phenomenon not a day goes by where I can escape seeing or hearing the words “Edward and Bella.” As I was going about my morning ritual of reading the paper while sipping my coffee I was rudely interrupted with an unwelcome story on page two. In bold letters it read - “Bella and Edward, the Hottest Ticket.” This is just one example of many.

When you are trying to forget a certain someone exists it’s not very helpful being eye and ear raped 24/7 with your names together in romantic headlines.

My own name has now been tarnished too. Whenever I am introduced to new people they always remark, “Oh like Bella Swan from Twilight!” No, I am not a sparkly vampire lover thank you very much. Sometimes when I’m feeling a bit adventurous I let the cat out of the bag and say, “Well my ex-boyfriend is called Edward actually.” I
spose it’s a good story to tell the die-hard fans but my own misfortunes are the bud of the joke.

While whingeing about this predicament to my best friend she said, “I’m sure no one would notice if they changed their names in the movie.”

The next day in my inbox was an email from her titled “Twilight Draft Letter.”

It read – Bella, after much thought last night I thought I would write to the producers (there are in fact 9 twilight producers, yes I looked it up) therefore I will address them all and express that they caused you distress and we want to attain compensation for their negligence.

To all of the 9 producers in making the film Twilight and New Moon,

I fear that although you have been successful in your movie production profits, you have been unsuccessful at considering my clients feelings. My client, Bella Brennan’s once normal life has now been disrupted because of the names of your characters. We also realise that there are two more movies to be released after New Moon, my client does not want to go through this all over again.

I have no other option than to take this matter to court and sue for negligence of Miss Brennan’s feelings and seek damages in monetary form for compensation. So producers, I put it to you to please change Edward and Bella’s names.

We are willing to be lenient in this change so that it does not hinder the future success of the movie series. Therefore we have agreed to keep the E and B initials, our suggestion is
Eggbert and Beatrice. We are confident that no one will notice.

Regards, Faen Burrows
Head Legal Advisor,
Shrimpy Associates

God love her. It’s something only a best friend would bother doing (and she was very bored at work). It gave me a good little chuckle and made me remember that moving on transcends mere words in print. 

Moving on is about finding your Jacob, not Edward!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I Double Dare You to....

Get up at 7am, work out for an hour then crawl back into bed, you will never sleep better. Then, have a choc chip muffin or a packet of salt and vinegar chips. Or both. Nothing will ever taste yummier. Go on, do it.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Gotta Love Bikini Shopping

Dear Morbidly Obese Lady who works at the swimwear section in Myer,

I just wanted to thank you for a memorable experience the other day. If bikini shopping isn't humiliating enough your deplorable customer service skills made it even more unbearable. I'm so sorry I want to shop at your store and spend my money on your goods, I didn't realise this was such an inconvenience. I know you would rather be eating a kebab or rolling around in grease instead of serving me but there's no need to treat me like a disproportionate
leper who can't count.

HER (in a very shouty manner): How many swimmers 'ya got there?

ME (in a very apologetic manner): Umm three, and sorry what's the limit so I know for next time?

HER (even more shouty): FIVE!
~ I make three more trips to the change rooms and every time she summons me over like a naughty child trying to break the rules and demands I show her how many swimmers I have. Thanks Mrs Kebab, I can count you know. ~

I am so sorry that I may be popping in and out of the change rooms a few times but this isn't my fault. You see, all the pretty swimmers with patterns and colour and prints aren't designed for girls with boobs. Instead, we are second class citizens and have to choose from the bland, ugly seperates.

Anyway, thanks so much for all your help and I finally found some swimmers. From David Jones in fact.

Yours sincerly, The Girl You Think Can't Count to Five.

Farewell Uni, Hello Unemployment

ME: Is there some sort of Youth Allowance equivalent you can go on once you finish uni?
BROTHER: Yep, It's called The Dole. Get a job you bum!
ME: ........................
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