Thursday, January 2, 2014

Ohh go on then

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

My rooftop is cock blocking me

I mean honestly, how the hell am I supposed to leave THIS when the weekend rolls around? 

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Remember that time I met Ginger Spice while holding avocado toast on a paper plate?

Today, something serendipitous happened. 

I was wandering down Pitt St with my pal Ellie to head to the food court to eat our lunch and then lo and behold THERE IS GINGER SPICE. It’s important to note; I morphed into a fully-fledged fan girl and told her she was my fave Spicey, that I dressed up as her for NYE and that I may or may not own her in Barbie Doll form (not creepy at all) but I just couldn't help it because IT WAS FRIGGING GINGER SPICE. Oh and I was also holding my lunch, avocado toast, ON A PAPER PLATE during the entire conversation. Cool, calm and collect I was not.

Luckily Geri is very used to this kind of carry on and handled the situation like a pro. She happily posed for a photo with me, asked what my friend's name was (sorry for hogging Ginger Ellie!) and sweetly introduced us to her daughter, Bluebell Madonna. It was just bloody excellent. And thank God, because I'd be crushed if she was a bitch. You hear horror stories of people meeting their childhood idols and them turning out to be jerk-faces but I am pleased to confirm Ginger is a legend. 

My life is sufficiently spiced! Thanks Geri.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Sienna and Marlow, just because

Move over Posh and Harper, there's a new mother-daughter duo in town and they're cuter than a puppy farm and Care Bear factory combined. 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Not convinced on Cara?

Then watch this and try tell me you don't wanna be her BFF. 

I don't care what you say, Brit model-of-the-moment Cara Delvigne RULES. Finally a model who isn't afraid to take the piss and have a jolly good laff while doing it. When she's not killing it on every second runway or being the face of Burberry you'll find her out partying with her 'wifey' Rita Ora. She's also been linked to both Harrys (that's Styles and the Prince dude). Did I mention she's only TWEN-TY years old? 

All hail Queen Delvigne!

(If you're impatient or don't fancy fashion chatter  skip to the 40 second mark.) 

Ok, and one more of Cara mouthing off about Justin Bieber while trying to roller skate for good measure.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I've got ya back, bro

Just putting it out there, but I think flashing a bit of back is way sexier than getting out your bazookas. Yep, backs are the unsung heroes of our bods and the best part is, unlike our lovely lady front-lumps, it doesn't matter how much, or how little you have - anyone can play! Show loads or a peep, either way backeavage (I just made this up #yolo) gives an understated punch of minxy-ness, where as pushed-up boozies can easily come across as 'look at moiii.'  

Drum roll, please... now for the obligatory mood-board.

Alrighty, I have copy and paste fatigue. You get the jist. 

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Life anxiety

DEFINITION: The overwhelming feeling that everyone else is living their life better than you and not knowing what the hell to do with yours. Also known as being in your '20s.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Oh Yeezy...

Kanye's latest venture into high farrrshion get-up sits somewhere between Inspector Gadget and the Ninja Turtles. I think you should stick to making them phat beats, mate. 

Monday, January 21, 2013

4 fictional apps every twenty-something needs

1. The Executive Decision Maker App. Feeling indecisive and slightly freaked out about what to do with your life? Whack your options in and let it make all those scary choices for you!

2. The Hide All Instagram Posts featuring nail art, ab-selfies, mirror-selfies, food porn, inspirational quotes, screen shots of the weather, aeroplane wings, sunsets et al app. This genius invention manages to filter out social media's biggest cliches.

3. The Witty Banter App. Lacking textspiration but wanna charm the pants off a potential suitor? For just 99 cents you'll make that chump pee their pants from excessive LOLing.

4. The Here's What You Should Cook For Dinner Tonight App. More often than not I CBF to look up healthy recipes and resort to the 'ol faithful meat and three veg. Enter aforementioned app, farewell bland town, hello delicious and nutritious meals! In fact, I'm sure this already exists I'm just too lazy to look it up, unless there's an app for researching apps?

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Let's talk about Harry Styles' tatts

Harry Styles continues to add to his extensive collection of questionable tatts, most recently inking a ship on his arm. Haz then goes on a romantic holiday with his main squeeze, T-Swizzle, and takes off his shirt to catch some Caribbean rays. 

Tay Tay reportedly breaks up with the 18-year-old dream boat and flees the island. Coincidence? I think not. 

Look mate, I know you think it's edgy and rebellious but your tattoos look more like a random array of scribbles from a school girl's diary. No wonder Taylor bounced. 

Your surname is Styles and I think you need to honour that. Your body is not a wall for scribbling on. I predict a lot of painful laser sessions in years to come (surely that love heart on your shoulder has got to go first?). I'm sorry I sound like your mother. FYI, I am only 24 - totally in your dating range. Your cut-offs late '30s, right?

Anyway Haz, if you want a bad boy hobbie go smoke a joint with Justin Bieber and Lil Twist. Babes love bongs! KIDDING, if you want street cred, just go party with Leo. 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

21 things to do before the world ends on the 21st

So the world allegedly ends on Friday. And while you may want to make logical preparations like set up a bunker and call your loved ones, I say there’s no better time to let your freak flag fly and go crazy, Broadway style. Here's a fun to-do list that may or may not land you in jail...

1. Pash a beautiful random in the broad light of day. I’m pretty sure this only works in movies but hey, if they punch you in the face it’s no biggy. You’ll be dead in a couple of days and at least you gave it a red-hot go!
2. Wear your onesie to work and after lunch take a nap under your desk. If anyone questions you tell them, 'I DO WHAT I WANT.'
3. The following day, rock up naked. When colleagues ask where your clothes are simply reply, ‘in the wash.’
4. Walk out in the middle of a business meeting. Throw your papers in the air as you scream, 'SMELL YA LATER, BITCHEZ.' Never return. 
5. Get that tattoo you've always dreamed of, you know the big speech bubble on your cheek that says ‘LOL’.
6. Do you really want your last week on earth to revolve around quinoa, bonsai (I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS), activated almonds and other lame health foods? Rubbish the hippy eating and live off Nutella, white bread, chips and Chomps #TouchMyBody. Carbs ain't gonna matter when you're kaput!
7. Chuck the rule book in the bin and write the first text to that dream boat babe you kissed the other night. Rejection will be the last thing on your mind when the earth is a fiery ball of molten lava, and if they do respond maybe you can go out with a bang(in').
9. Walk up to the obnoxious person on public transport who speaks so loudly on their phone the whole bus can hear and throw their mobile out the window. 
10. Sing your favourite Spice Girls' song in a library.
11. Spend your savings on a pet sloth because A) HOW GREAT ARE SLOTHS?! and B) it will be nice and snuggly to hold as the asteroids commeth. 
12. Track down Harry Styles and proceed to seduce him. Taylor Swift, who? 
13.Throw an epic demolition house party in your rented digs. Soz landlord, it was going to get ruined by zombies anyway! 
14. Do the groceries with an exotic parrot on your shoulder, scowl at people when they stare at you. 
15. Attend a fabulous farrrrshion party in a potato sack with rubbish in your hair. When people ask who are you wearing, say 'your face.'
16. Crank the air con, have ten showers, turn on all your taps, THROW YOUR RECYCLING IN THE NORMAL BIN. Fuck yaz climate change. 

17. Have a Threesome. Self-explanatory. Oh wait, let me remind you - THE WORLD IS ENDING. QUICK! GO AND FULFIL ALL YOUR KINKY FANTASIES IMMEDIATELY. 

18. Fill up a blow up pool with aeroplane jelly and swim in it.

19. Shave all your hair and eyebrows off because why the hell not? Haven't you always wondered what you'd look like? And imagine if your sig. other dumps your arse because of your new look, it's a great way to test their character and with less hair on your body to burn, you'll die quicker! Double win. 

20. Buy yourself a Lordship and demand everyone call you Lord Legend. 


Thursday, November 15, 2012

4 ways to deal with a gnarly hangover

1. Going for a dip in the deep blue is like an instant re-birth. Sea water has magical powers, I'm sure of it. You can kiss goodbye that pounding headache and say hello to a fresh new you. Also, salt water will drown out your eau de alcohol. Bonus.  

2. It seems bleeding obvious but let me vouch for the miracle of bacon and eggs, blue PowerAid and two Panadol. It's the breakfast of champions and the super powers of grease + energy drink + drugs will have you back to full health in no time.

3. I recently discovered when I'm wretchedly hungover watching the Animal Planet and listening to the soothing, docile voice of David Attenborough is just like meditating, without actually having to do it. There's something so zen about watching flamingos make whoppee while Old Mate Attenborough elegantly narrates the whole thing. PS. I wish he was my dad. 

4. Just put on exercise clothes and you'll seriously feel about 13.7% less hungover. A few Sundays back after a roaring rager, my McRoomie and I chucked on our work-out gear and went for a teeny tiny walk. As we gingerly shuffled along the footpath, I could feel the alcohol evaporate from my system. It's like an instant message is sent to your brain that you're in exercise clothes now and moving your body so seediness, get the fuck outta here!   

'Those wet pussy shots seemed like a splendid idea at the time.' 

Monday, November 5, 2012

Word, Kelly from 90210

Who knew '90s star Jennie Garth could know me (and the entire female population) so well!

Speaking about what she wants in a fella Jennie says, ‘I only like guys that are not nice. What is wrong with us girls? It’s not like I want somebody to treat me badly. I want somebody who looks like they could treat me badly, but then really treats me good.’

I hear ya man!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

So ab-selfies are a thing now...

Just when you got your head around the concept of foodstagraming (for those of you not across this epidemic, it involves people photographing their hoity toity meals before they even take their first bite, then uploading it to Instagram) and Kimmy K-esque mirror selfies (taking a snap of yourself in the mirror and more often than not hashtagging the designer labels you're wearing) a whole new trend rears it's self-indulgent head.

Enter ab-selfies. 

Or what I like to call 'yo, look at me. I go to the gym and have a toned tum. I'm sick as, bru.'

Hashtag wanker alert!

Retro babes

Oh hey there, Clint Eastwood. Look at you being all
smoking with your shirt off. 

Richard was, is and always will be a babe. But never
more so than riiiiight here.
Before the bunnies, Viagra and general creepiness old mate Heff became so well-known for, the Playboy mastermind was just a sprightly young whipper snapper writing his way to success. 
Russell Brand is that you? Oh hang on, it's Bob Geldof aka the lead singer of The Boomtown Rats, the dude that created Live Aid and adopted his estranged wife's love child she had with
Michael Hutchence. Aka a super-champ and pretty good to
look at, too.
Whoddathunk it but Mel Gibson was a bona-fide hawwwtie! Shame about the racial slurs, battle with the booze and his
consequent fall from grace.
There's a reason Rod Stewart has bedded squillions of women. He doesn't have conventional movie-star looks but the dude
has rock star charisma, and then some.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Girls' gal Lena Dunham is killing it

At the ripe old age of 26 Lena Dunham is the creator and star of hit TV show, Girls, has scored 4 Emmy nominations, won a truck load of twenty-something fans and now is set to pocket 3.5 million bad boys with a new book deal with Random House. And what are you doing with your life? My biggest achievement this week was running home. Then eating a bag of chips.
Anyway, Lena's penned a modern version of Helen Gurley Brown's 1962 controversial book, Sex and the Single Girl, titled Not That Kind of Girl: A Young Woman Tells You What She's Learned. She says it will explore 'everything from sex to eating to travelling to work.' Adding, 'I am thrilled to be working with and learning from the brilliant minds at Random House, and to be among their incredible roster of authors. I look forward to digging deep to produce the most thoughtful and personal book I can.' 
Lena is a much needed breath of fresh air in an otherwise blonde, busty and bland landscape. And she doesn't give a shit what you think. Last week the star sparked a fury of backlash when she attended an event in LA wearing an outfit that, gasp, showed off her normal-looking thighs! Nasty bloggers were quick to judge but I'd just like to say a big THANK YOU, LEGEND for keeping it real. This is an accurate reflection as to what most chick's legs look like, so deal with it chumps.  
And Lena fought back with aplomb, 'If Olivia Wilde had gone to a party in little shorts, she might have been on a "weird dressed list" or been told her outfit was cute,' she said. 'I don’t think a girl with tiny thighs would have received such no-pants attention. I think what it really was "Why did you all make us look at your thighs?" My response is, get used to it because I am going to live to be 100, and I am going to show my thighs every day till I die.'
Amen, sister. 

Friday, October 5, 2012

How to unlike someone

It's basic human instinct to want what we can't have. When I was 8, all I wanted was a pony. Dad said he'd get me a 3 legged one on the side of the road for a hundred bucks but that's as close as I got. A few years later, I was certain my life would be complete if I had a ginger lop-eared rabbit. Sadly, I never got the rabbit but I was allowed hermit crabs instead. Thanks mum. At 24, I've moved on from fluffy animals and find myself gravitating towards dudes more unobtainable than Rpatz and Gosling combined. And it's not because they look like them in any capacity, but because of big kid shit like great ocean divides I've got more chance of winning the lottery than getting the boy.

We waste a lot of time, energy and bandwidth pining over those we can't have. If our Facebook history could talk, we'd be screwed.  And until a magical crush-be-gone pill is invented I've devised this list that should do the trick:

  • Go backwards in their profile pics and marvel at the horror, you'll be turned off in no time. Adult acne! An unkempt monobrow! An Ed Hardy tee! You can't hold my heart captive any longer buddy - you used to be an ogre with horrific style.
  • Picture them doing the most unattractive thing you can think of. For some people it's your dream boat taking a dump. Or maybe wearing a paisley vest with elephant trunk jeans. Or a better yet, picture them doing a dump wearing a paisley vest and elephant trunk jeans. Brilliant, are you repulsed yet?
  • Kill them off and pretend they are dead. Delete their number, unfriend them on facey and all other social media. Out of sight, out of mind. If you just can't bring yourself to hit delete, unsubscribing so they don't pop up in your feed also works a treat.
  • Implement the not-allowed-to-talk-about-them rule not only for the benefit of yourself but for your mate's long-suffering ears. Yep, rattling on and on about Mr Jerkus-Melerkus is as about as interesting as your super wacky dream you had last night and debating as to whether or not you should get bangs. Once you cut down on the verbal over analysing, your mind will follow suit.
  • In the wise words of relationship guru Zoe Foster - it takes twenty three seconds to reply to a text. Two. Three. So when their phone goes beep and they look at your message with no excitement and put it back in their pocket: they're not worth it. Imagine them doing this every time you text. Ouchy yes, but you deserve the world, not some chump who can't respond to your efforts in a timely, respectful and witty manner. No banter? No play. Save your awesomeness for someone who would slay a thousand unicorns for your heart because you're excellent.
  • And finally, photoshop their head on this and look at it every time you're on knife's edge to making contact.  

What's that? You STILL like them? May I suggest you buy a one way ticket to Uzbekistan and become a yak farmer? That's sure to keep your mind off things.

Proof there's good in the world...

Falling over in public is right up there with having toilet paper stuck to your shoe, food in your teeth and the good old skirt tucked in your undies number; damn humiliating. And I don't know about you, but in the past week my faith in humanity has diminished rapidly. With the tragic news of Jill Meagher's murder Aussie women the nation over shuddered a collective 'that-could-have-been-me' and wondered: can we trust a stranger in the street anymore?

So when I face-planted mid-jog on Riley St the other arvo I was pretty stoked when a lovely construction worker rushed over to see if I was ok. 'Bloody ripper of a fall you took there, love! But don't worry, I did a first aid course last year. Don't move, I have a kit in my truck,' he said. 'Thank you! I'm so embarrassed, I swear the pavement attacked me out of nowhere,' I joked. 'You should always check on people when they take a tumble,' he added. 'Even if you don't know them.' He reminded me of a gorgeous grandpa who you just want to have cups of tea with.

The legend fussed over me and my bloody knee like we were Royalty and off I hobbled with a little less dignity but a lot more faith - there's plenty of good eggs out there. 

My bung knee and fabulous bandage

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Don’t forget to send me a friend request…

Old but gold - the soundtrack to 2007.

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